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I got a rather surprising email today from a Mr Roy Rankin with a rather unusual offer:-

=== IncreasePenisSize 3 Inches More Longer ===
Increaase SexDrive and Pleasure
Achieve Rock HardErections

= Permanently CuresImpotence =
= Increase sperm volume and quality =
= Improve sperm flavor =

CHECK HOW OUR 6000+ CUSTOMERS LONGER THEIR PISTO

Well, I must tell you all that I was somewhat taken aback by this offer, so i followed the link on the email to a webpage which made all sorts of amazing claims about extending the size of one's John Thomas (should one be a gentleman) with a set of pills, available for around one hundred pounds. In amongst all the usual corporate waffle their was a charming little section of testimonials provided by happy customers. One chap claims:

"In three months I'm longer and thicker."
Steve, USA

Well, Steve, I would say "thicker and poorer" would be a more accurate term. Bless.

This spammer had no way to unsubscribe, so I had to reply directly, though I also responded directly to the website address for good measure.

Dear Roy

Thank you for the kind letter advising me that I can have a 7-inches longPenis. That cheeky Mr Wormright who works in the butcher's on King street says exactly the same to me. Dear old chap thinks he has a way with the ladies, but Doris Henshaw has told everybody in the bridge club that it's no more than 3 inches on a good day.

I do have a couple of questions for you about your pills...

You say they improve sperm quality, but how would you go about measuring the quality of sperm? Do you lay them out behind a line and see which ones reach the finishing line first? I feel this issue needs to be addressed.

You also claim the flavour of the sperm is improved. Can I ask how you have verified this? What does it taste like now?

Finally, I think you might need to check your mathematics. You claim I can have a 7 inch penis and that it can be 3 inches longer, but 3 inches longer than zero is only three inches, not 7. Perhaps you could check this for the future.

In the meantime, could you please remove me from your mailing list, as I cannot really afford 100 pounds to grow a penis that I cannot forsee using.

Kindest Regards

Auntie Spam

Auntie, A Personal Invitation

A personal invitation from Peter Stringfellow is surely too good an offer to refuse - I mean, what warm-blooded female could resist his perma-tan charms and his everlasting mullet?

Gentlemen's Club & Restaurant
Monday to Friday 9:00pm - 4:30am
Restaurant Reservations
No Admission Charge When Dining
020 7758 0670
The Wardour
201 Wardour Street, Soho
London, W1F 8ZH
www.stringfellows.com

Please print and present this ticket upon arrival to gain free entry for 2

Clearly this is a once-in-a-lifetime offer, with no need to offer a link to unsubscribe, so perhaps I should just go. I had better check the cuisine first though - no point undertaking the long trip to London unless they do a nice scone, is there?

Dear Mr Stringfellow,

Thank you for your very kind personal invitation to your club - it looks very welcoming. I have spoken with Agnes Worthington, the chairman of our local ladies bowling team, and we agree that your restaurant would be the perfect venue for our annual meeting and London shopping trip. Last year the restaurant we had booked had been burned to the ground the week before we arrived, so we had to eat in a Burger King restaurant, and their chicken nuggets gave me terrible wind for days.

Would you be able to send me a copy of the menu by email? Two of our members are gluten-intolerant, one has a nut allergy and another comes out in hives in the presence of citrus fruit, and I would hate their day out to be spoiled by a dining mishap.

I look forward to meeting you in March and getting to know you better.

Regards

Auntie Spam

Secsy teen being faaucked on the floor payment

More avant-garde poetry today at the bottom of this email for, presumably, photographs (or 'phooatos', as they are called here). I'm not quite sure what 'fuaacking' entails, but it sounds onomatopoeic and possibly a bit painful:-

Beautiful gays undressing and fuaacking each other's tight holes outside my knowledge
_Beautty Laura Hardscore phooatos_


For remove your email address _please visit_
SPF marketing agency
203 Lacrosa,Jerny st.
Sofia,Bulgaria
1463

In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees, metal still noise
We hope each soul will find woman education system
Walk the cramps off low the seat steel

Needless to say, the link takes one to some rather eye-opening explicit photographs, so rather than put any additional stress on my old ticker I just followed the link to remove my email address. This led to a surprisingly verbose instruction on how to unsubscribe:

Hello Dear friend! No need to yell, no need to feel nervous.
All much simply.
If You NOT WANT get emails with NEW BEST XXX adult sites please write me myxsites@gmail.com
and I remove you from my lists for ever.

Attention!!!
If you already sent remove,
but again get this news, please WRITE YOU RIGHT EMAIL,
because if you sent wrong email i can't remove it.

If you don't know what RIGHT email for remove,
please forward news letter to my email myxsites@gmail.com
or sent for remove all you emails which you have.
**********************
Good Luck!
And excuse me If i has delivered you troubles.

Best regards,
Andrew Rider
ICQ# 9644880

Unusually polite and apparently helpful for a spammer, I think you'll agree, even though he originally wrote to me under the name 'Savannah'. So I wrote to him as requested to see if he could "un-deliver me troubles".

Dear Andrew

I have just visited your site "Secsy teen being faaucked on the floor payment".

Whilst your invitation to visit the website was very kind, I'm not sure quite what you hoped that a lady of some standing in the local community, such as myself, would gain from seeing such pictures. My days of nude frolics are now well behind me and the best I could offer would be to knit these young girls some good woolly socks to keep them warm in the winter months.

I would be grateful if you could remove me from your mailing list in the future, and wish you well for the future.

Regards

Auntie Spam

Hey :-)

Today's spam selection included this strange little item - it contained no images and only a broken link and some poetry. I wonder why people sometimes bother, unless they are just looking to elicit a response of total bewilderment...

To delete click here: http://wwweromanticfarmenet/ffdZAEWAxUcDBgYLB4BCQQZH...

Liftin' up your skirtelighting struck right down from the skye
Sitting at a stop signeopen your eyese
I feel like I have been hit by a truckeI'm saddle soree
I'm looking for ole' Sukie JoneseCause you just lost your jobe
And a tooth for a tootheSleeping late and smoking teae
And I'm feelin' fineeAnd waits for her crops to growe
So take your Grey Poupon my friendeOr someday soon you'll have to climb back on the wagone
So I didn’t believe when you saideBut you ain't got no casee

It also appears that their email system has, for some reason, decided to replace every full-stop with the letter 'e'. I tried replacing the 'e's and attempting to follow the link to no avail, so with no unsubscribe option I just replied to the email:-

Dear Marylou,

Thank you ever so much for sending me this delightful little poem, although I do prefer the old-fashioned poems which always rhyme. You don't really say in your message why you sent it. I tried the website link that was included, but I'm afraid it didn't work either.

Could I politely suggest that you double-check your emails before you send them out in future?

Kind regards

Auntie Spam

Amazing Hydrocodone & Vicodin Discount. Easy Ordering Process! The Best Service ynrixw1cs24ka2f1r

Hello dears, and sorry that I've not done much this week, but I've been away for a little break at the seaside for a few days and come home to an in-box full of spam. We'll start with a message I got from Maggie Kerr:-

++ No.1 Professional USA Pharmacy ++

We have helped 200,000 Americans to reduce their burden with our WHOLESALE price
+ Hydrocodone - 7.5-750mg - 30 pills
+ Vicodin - 7.5-750mg - 30 pills
+ Phentermin - 37.5mg - 30 pills
+ AmbiemK - 10mg - 30 pills
+ ValiumK - 10mg - 30 pills
+ XanaxK - 1mg - 30 pills
+ LevitraK - 20mg - 30 pills
+ ViagraK - 100mg - 30 pills
+ CialiKs - 20mg - 30 pills
+ Ultram - 50mg - 30 pills
+ SomaK - 350mg - 30 pills
& several other hot demanding pills available as well

Have a healthier family with us. Surprise your love one this Christmas with his/her needed Meds

Can't you just see how gosh-darned AMERICAN they are? Clearly this company are targeting the patriotic dollar, though perhaps targeting is a poor choice of words given how accurate we know American targeting systems to be. Carpet-bombing might be a better term. What shouts AMERICAN more that the stars and stripes? Pills, I presume, are apparently 'very american...'

As for "A healthier family"? Any family taking that amount of drugs cannot be classed as healthy. As for 'drugs for Christmas', well I don't think my nephews and nieces would be terribly impressed with a jar of Viagra in their stockings.

Despite all this, I paid their website a little visit, and after unsuccessfully trying to buy some pills, found their contact page and sent them the following:-

Good morning to you.

I hope you are keeping well. I haven't been sleeping very soundly for the last month or so. I put it down to dear Mr Varese around at number fifteen. He's been in his shed banging away into the wee small hours for weeks on end. I don't know what he's building in there, but it's very long and terribly loud.

Maggie Kerr from your company sent me a nice message on my computer to tell me that you have helped an amazing two hundred thousand Americans to reduce their burdens with your pills. Now, I don't really have a burden, and I'm certainly not American, though my neice Selena lives in Canada which is near enough, I suppose.

Anyway, your website suggests I try some Valium to help me sleep, and so I tried to order some, but listen dear, it's awfully expensive. I mean - you were going to charge me one hundred and twenty three dollars for thirty little pills. I think that's about sixty pounds, and that's a lot of money for a pensioner, you know. The NHS might not be all it should, but they certainly wouldn't charge me that for a prescription, so I'll maybe just go and see Doctor Baker and see if he'll get me some tablets instead.

So could you pass my thanks on to Maggie, but I'll not be needing any of your pills, so you'll not need to send me any more emails.
Thank you so much.

Bye bye now."

yˆÀSz‹Ç—¯OK !! ZŠ•s—v !!

No, I have no idea what it means, either. I guess it is something rude in japanese, though, as it links to a website selling DVDs of young japanese ladies in a severe state of undress. So the first problem here is how do you unsubscribe if you can't even read the site?

Our friends at Alta Vista can help out with their rather useful 'Babel Fish' tool. Using it to translate from japanese to english revealed the headline at the website to be:

"Intense it is cheap! Cheap sale non correction DVD. Also the bureau finishing blow corresponds."

I remain perplexed.

Apart from numerous links for ordering hardcore DVDs I could see nothing on the site about unsubscribing to their emails, though I did come across a link marked "Inquiry" which turned out to be a contact form. I duly entered my name and email address, leaving the following message:-

Hello, dear

Please would you be so kind as to remove me from your mailing list? Whilst your collection of teenage porn is doubtless very fine, it is not something that I am terribly interested in and I'm quite certain that the Woman's Institute would disapprove of me reading it. It might raise a few eyebrows at the village green coffee mornings too, and I would be concerned that old Mrs Higgins would most likely choke on her scone if she spotted a copy of "Oh Sessed with Breasts" on the table along with the People's Friend and Knitting World Monthly.

Maybe those nice young ladies will stop sending me pictures of their DVDs and think about putting some clothes on. It is the middle of winter, after all!

Get 25 Songs for your iPod at No Cost.

Well now, I don't even have an iPod, so we're off to a bad start on this one. Add in the fact that this is from Free Music Downloads who appears to be in cahoots with or even operated by our previous spammer, as both are presented in identically formatted emails, and both refuse to work within the UK. However, 25 free songs seems like a good offer, so let's dig a little further.

-RISK FREE - CANCEL AT ANY TIME AND KEEP YOUR MUSIC
-AFFORDABLE - SONGS JUST 25 CENTS OR LESS AFTER YOUR TRIAL
-HUGE SELECTION - CHOOSE FROM OVER 2 MILLION CD QUALITY SONGS
-UNLIMITED CD BURNING - NO RESTRICTIONS...
Try eMusic today and get 25 songs!"

So what we have here is a trial offer and we get to keep the songs if we cancel as well as their being no restrictions, unlike with iTunes or others. Sounds good. However, mp3 files are not CD quality - they may be almost indistinguishable to many ears, but they are NOT the same. According to eMusic's own US site songs are 33c or less, rather than 25c shown here, so this should be a great deal, but HOLD ON! Go to eMusic's site and you'll see them offering 50 (yes, FIFTY) songs for free. So if you follow the link you're losing out on 25 free songs. Hmmmm.

Now we Brits are used to paying a bit more than our continental and colonial cousins, and we've come to accept this as part of the price of living in these wonderfully wet isles, but cast your eyes over the US pricing for this eMusic site and compare with the UK version - we have to pay 30p per song. At current exchange rates that is DOUBLE what the US folk pay! Which of course theoretically makes this offer twice as good for us! I'm a glass-half-full type, you know.

I'm almost tempted to try this, but will hold off for the moment to see what other offers come through and to examine the music available on the eMusic site.